hard to handle

Today was a long day, even though I slept in. I just couldn't seem to wake when the alarm went off. I had been up late last night on skype with a friend. I got home from work at 11:30, ate dinner at 12:30...

One of my students brought in cookies for my birthday today. It was really sweet of her to do that. I would have been just as happy had they forgotten. Its just not the sort of thing I want to make a big deal of.

And somehow I am tired right now, even though my day didn't consist of much. I think hibernation mode is setting in with the cold January weather.

I found out today one of my friends, also a coworker, is leaving the job in a few weeks. He got a great job offer in Dubai. He's screwing the company and is just going to up and leave-I don't blame him. It also means that they won't have anyone to cover his 40-hour per week workload. So they'll be calling me. It puts me in a good bargaining position, as I want to ask for more money. But whether or not I take his hours will depend on if my dissertation is done. It can be, I'm planning that it will be. So we'll see. I just don't like this job. My $11 an hour isn't really that much after the lesson planning and administrative paperwork is added in. This is not an easy country to handle...

Happy Birthday to me

Yeah so Happy Birthday to me. I can hardly believe I'm 29. Its not exactly a jumping up and down fanfare affair. The emotion of it all is quite hard to put into words. Yesterday we had a few people over for a small party, Super-A's cousin bought me a few presents and a cake. It was very nice and definitely a surprise!

Yesterday the weather turned "January cold" for the first time this winter. Snow is predicted this week, but we'll see.

And that's about it.

no easy way out

Oh what a day! I was up until 5am this morning working on my dissertation...I'm actually, finally, feeling like I'm making some real progress. Its about time!

I also worked today. This job is not easy, the material I'm given is so dry. I was surprised to see 2 of the head guys of the company at my office today, since they work in the other branch and don't come to mine often. It was actually ok seeing them. The HR guy wanted to talk about any complaints, etc. we had with the company, but I was caught off guard, and of course once asked couldn't muster any. He disturbed me in the middle of preparing my lesson anyway.

The other guy is head of learning-the one who is supposed to guide the teachers on how to do their jobs. He observed my class for a little bit today and I have to meet with him tomorrow to see what he says. Instead of being put off and anxious, I told him I was looking forward to it because I could use some pointers.

So it was good they were there because I do feel more comfortable with them now. They were also much more friendly and approachable than they have been in the past.

But class was gruelling tonight, and I think it wasn't just me but for my students also. Its so hard to explain some of the vocab words-like "fairly" hot, "actually", the list goes on. They don't like groupwork, roleplays, etc, but that's how they get practice. Its also hard because not only do they not understand me, but I don't understand them either! AAARG!

I would so much rather have a class of kids...to sing songs, be silly, play games...a group of grouchy adults who come from work and haven't eaten dinner are difficult to keep interested in a Business English class.

My mood tonight coming home was not good. Super-A was making dinner and greeted me with a kiss, so that was great!

I'm just so tired of uncertainty...even the one thing in life I am so sure of, the love I share with my sweety, feels unstable only because of the issues of nationality which are dictated by powers greater than ourselves. I hate that nationality is so divisive, so unrecognising of humanness. And the one most human "thing", romantic love, I thought I was immune from for so long hits me in a way that it affects every condition of my life in ways many people don't ever deal with.

I used to love a challenge. Now I despise them. I can't beat this one, I can't escape from it. If there were any way, I surely would. There is no easy way out.

We love you, Uncle

Life is life...does as it will, as it always has....Uncertainty, unexpectedness, and the expected...

I've been grieveing for the loss of my Uncle the last few days. He passed from cancer, a rare cancer that he fought for years. While his loss was "expected", its still difficult. He was so much to me and my family. Uncle Bill and I didn't exchange many words, but his presence, love and support was always known. He was like a Grandfather to me.

Maybe the hardest part is for me to not be able to be physically present for my family, to give them support through this. That's one of the hardest things about living so far from family, to not be able to provide hugs, kisses, tears and love through the toughest trials.

But I know my Uncle is so proud of his children, and so proud of his Grandchildren, and loves his wife more than life itself.

I hope and pray that my future husband and I will love each other as much as Uncle Bill and Aunt Trudi were able to love each other through over 40 years of marriage, and have a family as beautiful as theirs. And I thank God that I was able to see and be a part of such a wonderous and beautiful relationship and family.

Thank You God. Thank You for placing such beautiful people in my life. Thank You God for giving me a wonderous goal to aspire to, and Thank You Aunt Trudi and Uncle Bill for giving me so much to aspire to.

I know your body rests in peace, while your soul has so much more to live for. All who have known you love you forever.

stupid balls

I know I am a person with a lot of friggin balls...but I'm not so sure now if I have a lot of balls or if I'm just plain stupid.

I found out why the class I taught for 2 weeks is no longer my class-the men liked me, then women did not....Maybe it had to do with 2 out of 4 classes the women weren't there? Who knows...Berlitz (here) is a business, the students are customers (can you relate to that Liz?). So 2 students can spoil a class of 6+. I'm not offended, nor do I take it personally.

My private lesson and my class went well today. I think....who knows....

I'm friggin exhausted. Its 12:30am and we just finished dinner. Super-A has a job interview tomorrow, cross your fingers, pray for us, dance around a fire naked and howl at the moon (my preferred method of worship)-whatever you do, we need it. This job pays 150% the average wage for him...

Tomorrow 2 teachers I was in training with are coming to my house. I will take them to Migros for shopping. 1 is going to look at our flat and decide if he wants to move in and pay us rent. He's a really cool dude-an archeaologist with American, Israeli & British passports, from Brooklyn. He's here to do fieldwork and get teaching experience. He's doing his PhD at Cambridge in the UK. I think he would make a great roomate.

So hopefully this week will go well.......

And as for the "am I stupid" bit...I keep thinking this was a stupid move for me, not in terms of my relationship but possibly for my future career-if I stay in Turkey that is. My induction to Turkish life seems to be right on, the constant worrying about money. Like everyone else here. I guess everything is a trade-off: my relationship rocks and my economy sucks.

I stood at the bus stop for 15 minutes waiting for the bus home from work, just wondering if I'm brave or stupid.

C'est le vie.

back to...

I got back into Istanbul on Tuesday....its been a whirlwind ever since. My mood has lifted quite a bit THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday Nolan was in town, it was great to visit with him. It had been 1 1/2 years since we saw each other-way too long!

Work's 3 day boot camp style training turned into 4 days. I was unhappy with the job before the training, now its even worse. Their dealings with employees is underhanded and shady. Nothing is straight up. Their dis-organisation and mis-mangagement turns into your problem. Today's extra training day was supposed to be 3 hours....which turned into 5 hours....Of course no compensation for the extra travel, etc. for me, since the training is in a different location than where I work.

I was handling it alright until I left the building. Then I get a call from the center I work at asking me to fill out paperwork tonight and I lost my cool. The thing is, you get paid for teaching...but not for the hours and hours of other BS they want you to do. I doubt my outburst on the phone cost me the job, and at this point I don't give a shit.

Our training group started with 8 people...after 1 day there were 7...a few didn't come today...every single one of us were pissed off at the end of day #1, and it just got worse after that. The completely unprofessional dealings have astounded us. I'm just awestruck by the incompetence.

The only upside is that I've finally made some friends-the other teachers. My situation is better than theirs, believe it or not. Many of them got the job before they came to Turkey, so they flew here from all over....then they get here and find their company provided apartments to be conditions worse than crack houses, on top of the dis-organisation of the company. I'm sure by the end of the week at least one of my new friends will be calling to sleep on the sofa-which I've offered.

So the past few days have been late to bed and early to rise, jam-packed with bullshit. My sanity is only now starting to return, after being home a few hours.

Super-A has been wonderful dealing with me. He's been doing all the cooking and cleaning, and letting me know I need sleep and am just tired when I spaz out.

Tomorrow will be our first day together in weeks...we'll do some "fun" things like buy groceries (hahaha). And I'll work on getting my bearings back and mentally focused.

This is the 1st time ever I've realised how much romantic love means to humans...Love is something I've never really wanted to acknowledge as important. I still don't "get it". I don't know what love is, but I can see its effects....ooohhh, sounds like quantum physics!

Now I just want a quaint, quiet and semi-normal life. A white picket fence, 2 cats in the yard, my fresh baked apple pie sitting on the window sill to cool...I'll even dress like Donna Reed damn it. I'm done with excitement and traveling, done.