Yeah, really, I'm here.

Yeah, really, I'm here.

No, I am not totally forlorn on world politics and international developments.

No, I am not in danger!

Yes, I am keeping up on stuff. Yes, I probably have a different perspective than you.

So yes, all in all, I think I'm aware. I'm interested in hearing your views.

Yes, I'm safe in Turkey.

Anyways.....

Last winter was dry, this summer was dry. This fall has been anything BUT dry. And its been good for us. Tonight leaving work I had to tip-toe-hop through puddles, but still got my feet wet through my leather shoes. Tonight's downpour was a full-blown thunder and lightning storm, a rare occurance in this part of the country. The weather is predicted to get cold soon and maybe snow. This time last year the temperature was much colder and harsher. I've been thankful for the rain and gray-stone skies.

Today I broke out my winter coat. Leaving work, my boss tried to get me to take my umbrella. I refused, saying I can do without it and what would he do? He said it was a "female umbrella" anyway. Looking at the umbrella, I could not see what made it specifically for women, it is red and black. He wanted me to take it, I still refused, asking him ,"What makes it a female umbrella? I do not see a penis or a vagina on the umbrella."

He was a little dumbfounded, I said the V word. A cross-cultural conversation stopper. That's really sad.

Which sparked a conversation with my colleague as we entered the elevator and proceeded to our next destination about talking about 'women issues' with women. I've told him before, he is such a 3rd Wave feminist I can think of no other way to describe him. And shockingly he said thank you. (I usually expect a feminist attack when I say such things.)

After work we had a beer. I admire his inter-cultural social prowess, his Turkish, his insightfulness, his outlook, his friendship. While having a beer with his roomate and his female friend, I was being eyed by a fellow behind him. Which I informed him about. But when a finished beer glass was taken from my hand and instantly replaced, I knew someone was buying me a drink. Girls know these things. I informed him of the situation and told him he was 'my boyfriend'. The remaining time he knew he was to watch my back, while I was left thinking "Shit girl! On a fat and ugly day you can still pull (a graying, middle padded Turk)!!!" Always a boost for the ego, ignoring the playing factors, while still a strike against the opposing team.

I got home and attended to my ailing darling. He is in pain, which is to be expected for his current condition, and made him a 3 course dinner. Yes, I'm a good wife. Shit, I typed wife. Well we haven't legally 'sealed the deal', but he's my darling, my love, my everything, even when I want to back out. We share the same pillow, complete each other's thoughts. As much as I think (which is a lot) I don't think it gets better than this one, I try to give myself an out, playing on a fantasy that doesn't exist, a figment of imagination.

There is no out. I love this man. And its not only 'love'. Its the it, its the LOVE. Ug, I type that and feel repulsed due to the fairy tale endings I used to believe were true. Happy-Ever-After endings are only written after strife, after acceptions, after all of the faults are accounted for, after the history is done, not before the deal is made. Listen to me, referring to a parternership as a "deal". Its so much like a poker hand, not like the 5% a year stable mutual fund, settling on what one can get for the investment.

God I'm sooooo American!!!

LOVE isn't a stable thing. Its not a sure deal. Caring about someone is always a risk. Who knows what a person will encounter? I look to the best relationships I've seen as an outside witness, and I think "DAMN!!! NO ONE WOULD HAVE SIGNED UP FOR THAT!" And yet, those people are still married or have been married utnil the death of a spouse. And have still loved their children, no matter what those children bring them.

Q: Why do I constantly seek approval for all that I do?

A: I strive to be perfect. As if that will save me from the human condition.

I love my to-be spouse, my future, the only one that I can see a viable future with. Yes, I think of other possible futures, because that's what I do as a Dreamer. But nothing is as promising as this future, and no way, its not a cheap way out.

I see that I've cornered myself into a defense, but I know that's not true. Perhaps I'm not expressing my full thought and I realize I don't want to. But its all I have for now.

I'd still like to hear about what you've been hearing about this part of the world: interpretations, news links, whatever.